The remarkable string of catastrophes pummeling the Southern States—- devastating killer tornadoes and epic flooding by the mighty Mississippi River—- are all a direct warning from God, announced the Reverend Righteous Cotton Mather Jones, pastor and founder of the mega-church of True Revelation in Philadelphia. Concurring with Reverend Jones, although for different reasons, was the highly respected Shaman and spiritual leader of the North Plains tribe, Stalking Horse, from his wiki-up atop Ghost Mountain on the Platte Reservation.
In a statement released today, the Reverend R. C. M. Jones claimed God had told him that He was punishing the Southern good ol’ boys for their years of racism, their refusal to accept a black man as President of the United States, and their terrible greed, as shown by their demand that big corporations receive huge subsidies and tax breaks, while cutting off help for unemployed and the poor, as well as by denying medical insurance to poor people. The Reverend said, “The South is being warned to show more Christian values, or they can expect to suffer more wrath of God in the future.”
Shaman Stalking Horse had a slightly different take on the suffering of the Southerners, but arrived at much the same conclusions. When enterprising reporters finally reached the Shaman, after an arduous climb on foot up Ghost Mountain, the Shaman said “The arc of the divine spirit is long, but finally bends to justice. White men stole our lands and became rich from the labor of black men. They refuse to honor their Great Brown Father in Washington, and do not keep their own faith. They speak with fork-ed tongue like the thieves they are. Do not be surprised that at last now, divine justice is visited upon them.”
Clearly, the Word to the South is: Shape up and Grow Up, or this is just the beginning.
UPDATE: This snark was inspired by the curious silence of previously mouthy right-wing churchmen, who have been so quick in the past to blame various catastrophes, like Katrina and the BP Horizon oil spill, on liberals, homosexuals, or other bete noires of the ultra-conservative hate-wing.