And Happy Holidays to all.
I just wanted to catch up and let everyone know that I did my part this morning, twice, actually to piss of a fundamentalist Christian this morning but in comparison to what John Medeiros did this week, I suspect my attempts fall short, but we’ll get to John a bit later.
What I did was fairly simple, but it is guaranteed to piss off a fundamentalist Christian on their second most favorite day of the year – the first, of course, being the execution the big man himself, but I digress.
I simply said Happy Holidays to my brother over the phone, which of course sent him into an apoplectic seizure, a usual ritual during our annual conversation on Christmas morning. Now, please understand I do love him, in spite of all his beliefs, so I called him the night before to ensure he had taken his high blood pressure because I am such a nice guy, just to make sure all that button pushing that was to follow the next morning didn’t cause any harm.
However, a trip to the grocery store this morning was so much more fun and fulfilling. On a whim, I went to the grocery store this morning to pick up some things for breakfeast. I am the farthest thing on th planet from a Chritian and to be honest, this is really embarrassing to admit, my dog is a believer. She thanks God everyday I rescued her from the animal shelter so I cut her some slack over her beliefs and bake her a mini spinach quiche for breakfeast on the big mans birthday. And of course it is full of swiss cheeese, one of her favorites!
So I am in line at the grocery store and as the checker gives me my change, I say with a big toothy, friendly smile, “Happy Holidays.” Needless to say, she said to me sternly ” it’s not Happy Holidays, it’s Merry Christams.” Needles to say we had words nd I asked her how could she work for Kroger, knowing they were such non-believers to open their stores to make a buck on JC’s birthday. Needles to say it went over really well. But the good news is the quiche is fabulous and my dog is under my computer desk in a food coma, snoring as we speak.
But anyway, my fun this morning reeking havoc on Christmas Day pales in comparison to the fun John Medeiros of Minneapolis has had this week. You see, John had a ring side seat to watch State Senator Amy Koch, Republican State Senator and cu-coo for Cocoa Puffs, implode this week. You see, Koch, a supporter of a supporter of a constitutional amendment that would ban gay marriage and admitted JC addict, admitted to cheating on her husband with a campaign staffer.
Poor John was traumatized by this news, knowing he and the gay community in Minnesota were responsible for ruining the institution of marriage. John and others immediately signed up for extensive counseling to deal with their guilt, however, John, being quick on his feet, decided to issue a very public apology to Senator Koch in the form of a letter:
Dear Ms. Koch,
On behalf of all gays and lesbians living in Minnesota, I would like to wholeheartedly apologize for our community’s successful efforts to threaten your traditional marriage. We are ashamed of ourselves for causing you to have what the media refers to as an “illicit affair” with your staffer, and we also extend our deepest apologies to him and to his wife. These recent events have made it quite clear that our gay and lesbian tactics have gone too far, affecting even the most respectful of our society.
We apologize that our selfish requests to marry those we love has cheapened and degraded traditional marriage so much that we caused you to stray from your own holy union for something more cheap and tawdry. And we are doubly remorseful in knowing that many will see this as a form of sexual harassment of a subordinate.
It is now clear to us that if we were not so self-focused and myopic, we would have been able to see that the time you wasted diligently writing legislation that would forever seal the definition of marriage as being between one man and one woman, could have been more usefully spent reshaping the legal definition of “adultery.”
Forgive us. As you know, we are not church-going people, so we are unable to fully appreciate that “gay marriage” is incompatible with Christian values, despite the fact that those values carry a biblical tradition of adultery such as yours. We applaud you for keeping that tradition going.
And finally, shame on us for thinking that marriage is a private affair, and that our marriage would have little impact on anyone’s family. We now see that marriage is more than that. It is an agreement with society. We should listen to the Minnesota Family Council when it tells us that marriage is about being public, which explains why marriages are public ceremonies. Never did we realize that it is exactly because of this societal agreement that the entire world is looking at you in shame and disappointment instead of minding its own business.
From the bottom of our hearts, we ask that you please accept our apology.
For those of you out there who are also traumatized by this news, please get some help. And for those who wish to send Ms. Koch a sympathy card, please feel free to google her to locate her office address.