Reporters Go Wild: Kate Topless! Jesus Married! Romney’s Caught on Secret Tape!

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    by Paul Goldman

    This morning, the religious world is buzzing with news of some old papyrus scroll from 2,000 years ago claiming to prove that Jesus had a wife. If true, it would be among the greatest revelations in history.

    What a 24-hours news cycle brought to us by journalism in the modern age. Yesterday started with Kate Middleton, aka the Duchess of Cambridge, aka Prince William’s wife, aka the babe in the topless photos spreading around the Internet. That’s right: it was the other Middleton girl, sister Pippa, who was the one everyone figured would show up topless and bottomless on YouTube at some point. But not Kate. Think again!

    The situation explains the fall of the British Empire: a few days after the topless photos of the future Queen are viraling around the world, the Royal Family is going to court to stop their publication! Where are Morrissey and Goldman LLC when you need them right? Note to the Royals: We are available to get Kate the justice she deserves!

    Which is: Making sure the other photos, the one they didn’t publish, are burned, prints, negatives, and whatever. Use your noodle: Kate and William were together when she went topless. They thought they were alone. On holiday. Do you really think that is all that happened? Give them more credit.  Do you follow my drift here?

    Fact: There are more suggestive photos of Kate and Billy than have yet been printed. If I were advising Kate and Billy, I would tell them: leave it be. There is no privacy in today’s world. Give me $5,000,000 – small bills, untraceable – and let me buy the negatives, the photos, the cameras, and of course a lot of silence. No questions asked. Straight trade, like in the movies.

    C’mon, Billy Boy, you can afford it. Consider it an expensive lesson. Besides, sun bathing in the nude is bad for her skin. To repeat: Billy was there when Kate took off the top. Do you really think that’s where it stopped? So like I say: Keep the lid on the situation. Don’t risk a sex tape type of thing.

    Jesus apparently understood. If you believe he had a wife that is. Back in his time, the authorities didn’t just kill those opposed to the political and religious establishment, they took out the family too. Didn’t you see the movie “Gladiator” Or the Mel Gibson movie about William Wallace? Or the latest episode of Sons of Anarchy, which had a scene so disgusting I had to fast forward the tape.

    But the point is: Jesus knew his family would be at huge risk. So if he did marry – and that was the norm back then – he had reason to keep it secret. But is the new revelation true? All we have is a few lines on a papyrus reed of unknown origin. So somehow said that Jesus allegedly said this or that about a wife. I ain’t buying it.

    Notice how this differs from the other expose in the last 24 hours making big news, the secret tape of what Mitt Romney told some folks at a big fundraiser. There is no doubting its authenticity: indeed the Mittster owned up to it, proudly so.

    Will it hurt his campaign? My response: I suppose it could for those who had not yet figured out this was his view of things. The Mittman hasn’t exactly been hiding this point of view. The guy has $250 million large, at least.

    As they say, the rich are different. They can afford to be. He probably thinks you and I ain’t much either. He is entitled to his opinion on stuff, as are the voters.

    Surely Mitt had to know that in today’s age, someone would likely be filming what he said. Everyone in the room surely had the latest technological gadget. Unless you do a cavity search today, there isn’t any reason for a presidential candidate to think he or she is talking “off the record.” There is no “off the record” anymore.

    Apparently, that was even true back in the days of Jesus, someone was going to tell your secrets. The only difference is the time dimension. It took 2,000 years, if you believe the story, for the reporter on married Jesus to get his scoop out to the world. The Romney tape surfaced far quicker, the topless photos of Kate quicker yet.

    The only constant: There were reporters then, and now, whose life ambition is to expose the secrets of others. That’s how they get their kicks.

    So let’s finish up this 24-hour cycle.

    Was Jesus married? I don’t think so. It doesn’t fit his character to marry, perhaps have children, and then leave them for all those years as he pursued his ministry. That doesn’t fit with his teachings. So I ain’t buying it. But you say: His wife could have died, he could have been a widower. True, but that experience would have made it into his teachings, as would being married.

    So: I don’t think Jesus was married.

    As for Romney, he is who he is: before the tape, after the tape, before he got nominated, after he got nominated. In fact, I have another national article coming out tomorrow on the Mittster. It is being edited. Perhaps we should mention the tape thing since it was written before this revelation. But it doesn’t change the theme of the piece: with Romney, if it isn’t a tape, it is something else.

    Finally, as for Kate. You got to like those topless photos. It also suggests that there isn’t a topless photo of Pippa since that would be one twofer of a cover shot!

    I thought the movie “The King’s Speech” about the King of England during WW2 was a fantastic piece, a terrific piece of acting and writing, deserved the Academy Award for the best actor by far. The Monarchy has come a long way, since Elizabeth the child has a small part in the movie. The reporters pursuit of Diana caused her death, and before it, much heartbreak. In that respect, topless shots of Kate are child’s play.

    Moreover, and more to the point: Given that the photos have already been published, why not just go with the flow? Laugh it off, don’t go all Pulp Fiction on us. Next time, be more careful.  Yes, she is the future Queen. But this isn’t the 19th century.  So don’t play the victim, don’t go Charles Bronson on us. She wasn’t actually doing a Girls Gone Wild thing.

    Keep your eye on the big picture: which is to keep the thing as just a topless photo or two or a hundred, however many angles they show it. I am convinced they got more than topless shots.

    And as for Mitt Romney? His full-body tape was a lot more revealing than anything they’ve got on Kate.