Yesterday, in a surprise move, the Virginia Senate voted 36-1 to approve SB1315, Senator Lynwood Lewis’s bill to ban pet monkeys. This was no doubt initiated in response to the clear and present threat spelled out in the latest movie episode of the Planet of the Apes.
Legislators who are quite shy about adopting legislation that would actually reduce gun violence by humans against other innocent humans, can obviously see where the real threat to our safety comes from. The recent record sales of guns in Virginia and the country as a whole, means that more and more pet monkeys would find themselves living in households where there is easy access to the type of weaponry they will need to finally begin the process of subjugating humans and taking over the planet.
The bill now goes to the House of Delegates, where it may receive a cooler reception, especially from the members who frequently climb onto their desks and throw feces at their colleagues. There is also a rumor that Delegate Marshall may introduce an emergency companion bill to amend the Virginia Constitution to prevent any possible future adoption of Simian Law.
Although Jon Stewart could not immediately be reached for comment, there are reliable reports that, on hearing this news he was seen clasping his hands together, looking heavenwards, and mouthing the words “Thank You.” Oh how we Virginians miss being the laughing stock of the nation. What kind of circus doesn’t have trained monkeys?