Mega-corporation Koch Industries today bought the naming rights to Virginia Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli for an undisclosed sum. As part of the deal, the attorney general shall from this point forward be known as "Kochinelli".
The billionaire Koch brothers decided to formalize their ownership of the Attorney General after Mr. Kochinelli demonstrated his value by launching a new lawsuit against the US Environmental Protection Agency in the hope of overturning EPA's finding that climate change represents a danger to human health. As David Koch put it: "In the interest of full disclosure, I figured we may as well let the world know how proud we are of our investment in this guy."
Mr. Kochinelli has been one of the most aggressive proponents of the climate change conspiracy that the Koch brothers have worked so diligently to advance. He has even launched an all-out assault against Thomas Jefferson's proudest creation, the University of Virginia - a state institution that the Commonwealth's attorney general is actually bound by law to defend - with the goal of putting one of the world's most accomplished climate scientists, Professor Michael Mann, behind bars. The charge? "Fraud" - in other words, science that goes against the corporate interest of the Koch Brothers.
Let's be clear: according to Greenpeace, the Koch Brothers to date have plowed an eye-popping $55 million into climate denial groups. Like any good businessmen, they understandably want to protect their investment - and the acquisition of Kochinelli is a wise business strategy to do so.
See, Bob McDonnell promised he would bring new investment to Virginia! This acquisition is good for the Koch Brother's oil holdings, it's good for Attorney General Kochinelli, and it's good for those with an interest in hastening the End of Days. (Floods? Check! Killer hurricanes and tornados? Check? Heat waves? Check! Tropical disease? Check! Mass migrations? Check! Climate change - the perfect solution for all your apocalyptic cravings.) Win, win, win.
Yes, I know that some lefty, commie, pinko, Spotted Owl-huggers will see this as "corruption" or a "sell out". But the business of America is business, and therefore the business of America's politicians has to be business, and they might as well be handsomely compensated for their work, since that's how business works.
But hurry on down to Richmond, folks, because the naming rights to Gov. McDonnell and Lt. Gov. Bill Bolling are still up for grabs!