Please don't view the new House of Delegates-passed bill for Virginia to study creating its own currency as a sign that this state is governed by ignorant, wacko, redneck, conspiracy-theory driven morons who just crawled out of some godforsaken Hillbilly Hell.
No -- view it as an opportunity. Because what could be more fun than designing your own money?
In the spirit -- as always -- of aiming to assist our Republican overlords, I am initiating this brainstorming session on what our new Commonwealth Cash should look like. Come on and add your own ideas. The only rule is that this currency must be limited to right-wing figures and themes, since Democrats of course lack the wisdom and foresight to protect us from UN conspiracies and stuff. So, here goes:
- The Ken Cuccinelli $397 bill: Because round numbers are a liberal conspiracy. The front of the bill would depict His Cucciness on a throne holding a scepter while scientists around him are being whipped and beaten. The back would depict the goddess Virtus -- whose left breast Cuccinelli ordered covered up as one of his first acts as Attorney General. This time, she'd be wearing a chador.
- The Bob McDonnell's hair $100: Have we ever had a governor with such newscaster-worthy hair? The front of the bill would pay tribute to Gov. Bob's hair. The back would be devoted to depicting all of the governor's accomplishments during his term. It would be blank.
- The Transvaginal Probe $50: The wondrous wand that keeps women pure by penetrating them surely deserves its own bill! Perhaps women could even use this bill when paying for this medically unnecessary procedure. The back would show a proudly barefoot, pregnant Virginia woman cooking food for her husband while holding two wailing infants.
This round's contenders include:
- Del. Bob Marshall's "Funny Money" bill (HJ 590) -- Sideshow Bob is the Rocky Balboa of freaky legislation, and he never fails to disappoint. This worthy contender, to study whether Virginia should print its own currency, is one for the ages -- I encourage you to read it in full, while enjoying such lines as "WHEREAS, many widely recognized experts predict the inevitable destruction of the Federal Reserve System's currency through hyperinflation in the foreseeable future..." Needless to say, this bill has been approved in subcommittee.
- Del. Marshall's "Cold, Dead Hands" bill (HB 2340), which would prohibit state employees from helping to enforce new Federal gun laws. Whaditellya? Like Michael Jordan, Sideshow Bob never just takes one shot at the basket. Of course, this bill is too mild for our friends at the Virginia Gun Owners Coalition, who point out that it fails to include a provision to arrest Federal officials who themselves try to enforce Federal laws. Well, good point, but Rome wasn't brutally massacred in a day. This bill, needless to say, has been reported out of committee.