As a public service, I thought I’d post the governor’s schedule for the day. Thank you, sir, for your service to the Commonwealth!
7:00 am: Start the day with delicious, nutritious, stimulating Anatabloc® energy drink. Feed dog with Anatabloc® brand dog food. Bill taxpayers for both.
7:30 am: Argument with Maureen over why she needs to stop demanding a mink coat from Dominion.
8:00 am: Ceremony in Richmond to sign bill creating new state DMV (Department to Monitor Vaginas).
8:30 am: Drive Jonnie Williams’ Ferrari to the “End the Thermonuclear War on Coal” rally in Southwest with Ken Cuccinelli.
11:00 am: Swedish massage from Jonnie Williams’ personal assistant, Annika.
11:30 am: Drive Jonnie Williams’ Jaguar to Roanoke. Lunch with Hollywood producers looking to film the movie “Nixon: the Musical” in Virginia. Caviar and sushi courtesy of…guess who?
1:00 pm: Drive Jonnie Williams’ Porsche to Virginia Beach to join mentor Pat Robertson at “Sodomy Sucks!” rally.
3:00 pm: Return phone call to E.W. Jackson. Come up with good excuse why you can’t attend his “Melon Smashing for Jesus” event tomorrow.
3:30 pm: Drive Jonnie Williams’ Lamborghini back to Richmond. Meet with members of the GOP Vote Suppression Caucus on their new bill to require Virginia citizens to show genetic test results before they can vote.
4:30 pm: Issue proclamation in honor of Virginia Hay Farmers’ Month. Run out of room before reporters can ask questions about financial disclosure.
5:00 pm: Meeting with ethics attorney. Try to remember all gifts and include them on disclosure forms.
6:00 pm: Dinner with GOP consultants. Discuss current political image and future presidential prospects. (Note: no crying!)
7:00 pm: Have that difficult discussion with Maureen about whether there were any gifts she “forgot” to tell you about.
8:00 pm: Watch re-runs of “Father Knows Best” and “Leave It to Beaver”. Laugh heartily.
10:00 pm: Take Anatabloc® brand Testosterone Booster®. Engage in morally appropriate bedroom behavior.
11:00 pm: Prayer time. Thank God for all the gifts you have received today. Sleep, with a clear conscience.