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New Virginia Abortion Law Set for Next Year


After passing the wildly popular ultrasound bill in the Senate and House of Delegates, some in the Virginia legislature are looking forward to next year’s abortion battle.  

A law will be put into motion by Del. Bob Marshall to mandate that someone who gets an abortion must wear a shirt with the letter “A” for at least three days a week for a year out in public. The shirt will cost between 15-20 dollars and will go along with the ultrasound. It will be given directly to the woman right after the abortion procedure so she can wear it out of the doctor’s office.

The novel “The Scarlet Letter” by Nathaniel Hawthorne uses the letter “A” for adultery to shame the main character, Hester Prynne.

Republicans in Richmond thought this was the right time in their fight against abortion.

“We thought it was the next logical step,” said an ecstatic Sen. Dick Black. Black is best known for passing out little plastic fetuses a few years ago to promote his anti-abortion views.

There are some added benefits aside from the public shaming.

The Commonwealth will be ordering in bulk rate making the shirts cheaper.

“Someone in the General Assembly has to have a connection to a t-shirt shop and we’re only going to use two colors. Since, the woman will be paying for the shirt, it’s a win-win for the taxpayers,” said Del. C. Todd Gilbert. “The woman will be shamed and they pick up the tab.”

Asked about the quality of the shirts, Gilbert said, “100% “No Shrink Cotton” of course.”

The opposition has raised concerns over wearing a shirt three times a week might infringe on the life of the woman because of the extra burdens that would be required of them.

“We are sympathetic to women’s concerns especially when it comes to laundry,” said Black. “That’s why we’re going to offer a deal of some sort where you can buy extra shirts. That way, women can have a choice whether they want to do laundry or not.”

Del. Kathy J. Byron sees this as a boon to men who are looking for an easy sexual encounter.

“Apparently since these ladies have had sex before, they might be more likely to do it again,” said Byron. “That way, guys don’t have to work as hard as they can to see who might be easier to get into bed.”

There are some in Richmond who are worried that imitators could come out and try to hone in on a potentially lucrative shaming.

“There could be ‘I was vaginally probed against my will and all I got was this stupid t-shirt’ shirts coming out of the woodwork,” said Marshall.  “The Virginia legislature should make sure that they are the only ones who are business of shaming its women. We will write into this code a fine for those that are trying to profit and take advantage of these women.”

Some in the General Assembly have said a simple “tramp stamp” of the ultrasound itself might be a suitable alternative.

“Unfortunately,” Byron said, “it’s not always possible to find a tattoo parlor so readily available in their community and hence would put an undue burden on someone trying to obtain an abortion.”

This article is satire. Any quotes here are made up. Don’t use it as if it is real.


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