April 1st, 2015
WASHINGTON, DC – After mounting pressure from conservative bloggers, radio talk show hosts and Tea Party members, a tearful President Obama admitted today that Republicans were right all along about their unsubstantiated claims of voter fraud.
“My fellow Americans,” the President began, “and especially those who didn’t support me, I want to offer my deepest apologies for stealing not one, but two elections.”
“We had you going there, making people think that ACORN was essentially defunct by 2012, but in reality they just went underground to support my re-election.”
It was unclear what prompted the sudden announcement, as absolutely no evidence of widespread voter fraud has ever been found, but sources believed that conservative activist and videographer James O’Keefe was about to uncover a major revelation.
Obama credited illegal immigrants, ghost voters, double voters, underage voters, out-of-state voters, voters named Mickey Mouse, the Black Panthers and George Soros as key to his 2012 victory in swing states such as Virginia. “And if it weren’t for the work of a rag-tag band of nonpartisan concerned citizens,” Obama continued, “we would’ve been able to run for a third term.”
Mitt Romney could not be reached for comment, as the former Republican nominee was reported to be in flight for Washington to claim the mantle that so rightfully belonged to him.
As of press time, Obama was planning a special trip to Trump Tower to make an announcement regarding his birth certificate.