Gulf Spill Solution: Low Yield Nuclear Device


    Negotiations are nearing completion for a British Petroleum and North Korean partnership to seal the spewing crude flow in the Gulf of Mexico. “This is the kind of public-private partnership we’ve advocated” said someone familiar with the “Good Government for America Committee” currently sponsoring an unofficial “give George Allen money” website.

    This is seen as an immensely important development particularly at this time of heightened tensions on the Korean peninsula. A North Korean envoy intimated that this arrangement serves many purposes but is humanitarian in nature. It will help his proud nation feed its starving population. “But it should not be lost on the people to the south that we possess this capability.” He went on to suggest that the Gulf of Mexico be saturated with rice prior to the blast and that the resulting gumbo be harvested and shipped to his nation. “There is no reason to waste that bounty of nature as it may be the last for some time to come.”

    A source close to Delegate Chris Stolle (R-Virginia Beach) who claimed during his campaign against former Delegate Bouchard that his “contacts” in the Navy assured him that there would be no objection to drilling off the coast of Virginia, noted that the absence of any public objection from the Governor Jindal of Louisiana was proof of Jindal’s support for the use of nukes. “It also shows you that the eco-nuts’ objections to drilling off of Virginia are unfounded. With this solution in our quiver, spills off of Virginia Beach only promise more dramatic fireworks for the tourists. Remember that the Delegate was a naval nuclear engineer.”

    As the prognosis for conventionally sealing the leak grew dimmer, British Petroleum (BP) initially developed several spins on the disaster. With the flow of crude toward the Gulf Stream intensifying and the hurricane season imminent, a series of public service announcements were developed for release in Ireland. The theme was “Another Irish Miracle,” hoping to convince Europe that crude soaked beaches would re-energize an economy once hailed by American Republicans as a prime example of the outcome of low taxes; all that European Union investment and stimulus money aside. But this drew an adverse reaction from a Norwegian consortium formed to represent gas and oil interests there with the North Atlantic fishing industry concerned that a poisoned Atlantic may not recover for a generation. That is when BP turned to Kim Jong Il.

    Kim’s demeanor was characterized as “amazingly receptive considering the extreme pressure he is facing.” Other potential partners in the venture were caught flat footed by the rapid development. While al Qaida and the government of Iran might not have immediately available devices, both have either contacts with sources of supply or are close to production. “That Axis of Evil speech and the malignant US diplomacy under the second Bush really inspired cooperation and creativity worldwide.”

    Advocates for this sealing technique point out that it is further evidence of the unfettered free market’s ability to provide innovative solutions. “Government could never deliver such an effective and immediate solution!” The leak is 41 miles offshore and almost a mile down. “It’s not like it’s right off Virginia Beach!” They argue that you should think of it this way: it is one less device than was used on Japan, one less device that threatens our ally South Korea, and about 60 less than were tested in the Marianas (coincidently, a Mariana flagged vessel, the semisubmersible drilling rig Deepwater Horizon owned by Transocean is at the center of this disaster). And what about New Mexico and Nevada!?! People flock there today!

    Senator Frank Wagner (R-7th), another naval nuclear engineering expert, is expected to encourage Virginia Governor McDonnell (R) to support the initiative. A temporarily radioactive Gulf of Mexico can only encourage Virginia tourism. Plus another peaceful use of nuclear power provides further evidence that nuclear power production can supplement our energy needs while we wait for our own offshore economic miracle.


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