Help Virginia Design Its Own Currency!


    Please don’t view the new House of Delegates-passed bill for Virginia to study creating its own currency as a sign that this state is governed by ignorant, wacko, redneck, conspiracy-theory driven morons who just crawled out of some godforsaken Hillbilly Hell.  

    No — view it as an opportunity.  Because what could be more fun than designing your own money?

    In the spirit — as always — of aiming to assist our Republican overlords, I am initiating this brainstorming session on what our new Commonwealth Cash should look like.  Come on and add your own ideas.  The only rule is that this currency must be limited to right-wing figures and themes, since Democrats of course lack the wisdom and foresight to protect us from UN conspiracies and stuff.  So, here goes:

    – The Ken Cuccinelli $397 bill: Because round numbers are a liberal conspiracy.  The front of the bill would depict His Cucciness on a throne holding a scepter while scientists around him are being whipped and beaten.  The back would depict the goddess Virtus — whose left breast Cuccinelli ordered covered up as one of his first acts as Attorney General.  This time, she’d be wearing a chador.  

    – The Bob McDonnell’s hair $100:  Have we ever had a governor with such newscaster-worthy hair?  The front of the bill would pay tribute to Gov. Bob’s hair.  The back would be devoted to depicting all of the governor’s accomplishments during his term.  It would be blank.

    – The Transvaginal Probe $50:  The wondrous wand that keeps women pure by penetrating them surely deserves its own bill!  Perhaps women could even use this bill when paying for this medically unnecessary procedure.  The back would show a proudly barefoot, pregnant Virginia woman cooking food for her husband while holding two wailing infants.  

    – The Fetus $20: Yes, fetuses are people too, and they will be treated as such the day Virginia passes Del. Bob Marshall’s personhood bill.  In the meantime, they certainly deserve their own money.  The front would show an adorable fetus reading a book in the womb.  The back would be a picture of Bob Marshall gently teaching a fetus how to vote — Republican, of course.  

    – The Macaca $10:  The front of this bill would show George Allen in jeans and cowboy boots, throwing a football while spitting tobacco juice.  The back would show an artist’s depiction of an actual macaca.  

    Hmm.  Y’know, I was planning to keep going all the way down to Virginia’s shiny new pennies.  But I’m starting to feel a little nauseous.  Could you please help me finish up here?  


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