My Generic GOP Convention Speech

I’m confident that just about anybody can write a GOP convention speech. It doesn’t need to be fact checked. It should be shamelessly patriotic, contain lots of Fox News approved buzz words, and infuriate people who aren’t crazy. The sad thing is, this is kind of what these people sound like.

My speech

Thank you for the opportunity to speak.  Our country is in a time of great transition and great turmoil.  It has been eight long years since Barack Hussein Obama wrecked the U.S. economy and apologized for America to the entire world, which made us weak.  That weakness created the ISIS threat we have today.  Our national security weakness has allowed Russia to take over Ukraine and for Nigeria to steal our girls.

Hillary Clinton represents a third term for Barack Obama.  At Secretary of State she presided over the massacre of four U.S. citizens in Benghazi, while she watched on one of her seven iPhones over a satellite feed.  I have a personal stake in this.  I personally blame Hillary Clinton for the death of my brother.  And while my brother died in a drunk driving accident on spring break in Cabo, Hillary Clinton was Secretary of State at the time, and he was on foreign soil.  Another death of a great American on her watch.

Hillary Clinton is another example of crooked Washington politics.  The Clinton Foundation gave $40 million to friends of her roommate’s cousin as a favor for covering up her involvement in murdering Vince Foster.  In a recent report, FBI Director James Comey explained that as Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton may have leaked top-secret U.S. government information to ISIS.  Think about that.  Hillary Clinton and ISIS working together against hard-working families.  And she doesn’t even care about our border security.  Illegal immigrants are continuing to cross the border in order to sell drugs and rape our daughters.

I love this country.  I served our country in the National Guard during the summer of 2011.  I was in South Carolina and it was really humid and we had to wear a lot of clothes.  That experience led me to want to become a Congressman after speaking with my dad’s former boss who works for a Super PAC.  He told me they were looking for a, quote, “patriotic marionette”.  I am patriotic and I don’t know what a marionette is.  But if it means helping my country, then I am ready to serve for America!

As a Christian, I believe that Jesus is my personal savior.  And Jesus would have wanted my father’s inheritance to be endowed 100% to his children.  But this government wants to take our hard-earned inheritance money and give it to the takers.  The people who live off the government instead of the people who create the jobs.  I believe in creating jobs, not giving money to people without jobs.  And our tax system is unfairly forcing hard-working people to give half their income to illegal immigrants so they can receive driver’s licenses in sanctuary cities!  That’s not the America I believe in.

The Republican Party is made up of wonderful people.  People who believe in freedom and liberty.  People who believe that ALL lives matter.  People who believe that ISIS must be defeated before Sharia law takes over our great country.  Paul Ryan has been a wonderful leader of our party.  And with the recent choice of Mike Pence as our Vice Presidential candidate, I believe that the new Republican Administration with Mike Pence as a trusted adviser will adequately serve us for the next four years until we can nominate a fine President to work with Mike Pence.

To conclude, in my very own, original words: I have a dream!  I’m fired up and ready to go! Yes We Can(!) have a better country.  Don’t stop thinking about tomorrow.  God bless you and God bless America.